the post-grad grind

For four years, most undergraduate students have increasing confidence in the following: 

*Where they will be - learning the grounds of campus more and more each year

*Who they want to be with - the people you look up to, the people you feel comfortable around

*What they will do - the topic of study usually corresponds with the field of work

*Who they want to be (seen as) - extracurricular choices typically indicate interests 

*What they believe - faith, or lack thereof  often solidifies during these years with each spiritual encounter

From this lens, I became sure of who I was and who I would turn out to be. I was even certain that my ESFJ personality label was set, perfectly describing me. Each role I played/took in college acted as a light in my life, pointing me towards a glittering image of who I thought God was making me.

Then, all the lights were turned off. 

What city I would be in, I didn't know. I felt disconnected, quickly too, from the string of people who knew me..who looked up to me. I had no desire to pursue the corporate marketing career I chased for so long. I took a job that had nothing to do with my topic of study. Not really anyone (with proper authority) to lead. Long hours with non-believers, non-followers, and strongly-opinionated believers tempted me to slip or even let go of my closed-hand values.  

It's really disorienting..feeling the constant pull of...

"I need to stay" "I need to go"

"Make new friends" "But these people already know me"

"Try harder" "You're doing just fine"

"Test this out" "It's too much already"

"You were like this in college" "I   d o n ' t   k n o w   w h o   I   a m   a n y m o r e"

He pulls me back, and reminds me that at this point in my life, though everything is changing, He is still the same.

He's peeling away all of those labels I/others stuck on me to tell me who I was/who I am/who I will be. It's painful, this pruning process. 

The colors are really strange and messy. But on That Day, we'll be a beautifully painted picture, yeah?

All I know is that we were made to worship the Creator, and not the created. 

"Though you slay me, Yet I will praise you. Though you take from me, I will bless your name. Though you ruin me..Still I will worship, Sing a song to the one who’s all I need. 

Therefore, DO. NOT. LOSE. HEART." -Shane&Shane ft. John Piper

blogger wheels

I'm late on the blogger wagon. 

I can't say that I'll be a frequent rider either, but I feel prompted to process major life happenings in some way other than talking the ears off of my friends. This is so much faster than pen and paper. 

First reflection: In lieu of the new year celebration -- 2013. 

Writing a reflection during major life transitions will probably skew my perspective negatively, but by way of Grace, I am remembering a lot of the GOOD that has happened this year. 

If I could label the theme of my 2013, I would say "RISKS." Even better, I might steal Nike's, "JUST DO IT." Because essentially, that's what I did..sometimes, with much thought, prayer, and external processing..sometimes without doubt at all given by the peace of the Holy Spirit. 

In many ways, like Paul says in Romans 15, that in Christ Jesus I am proud of my work for God. 

Some events that colored me: 

-I forfeited "senior" status by way of inserting myself into a community in which I had no social power. For the sake of the gospel, I decided it would be worth it to be a sheep among wolves. No, I was never attacked physically, but following Christ in a community that followed Hinduism/Jainism/Islam, etc. created a lot of dissonance. It was already strange that an east Asian [cultural barrier] girl [gender barrier] was befriending South Asians, but proclaiming Christ in a [Holy] Spiritually dim environment confused the heck out of people. Nonetheless, God took my silly offering. The Holy Spirit enabled me to be spiritually influential, and Jesus became all the more dear as a friend. 

Hm, I think I'll make these bullets shorter..

-I chose singleness over a relationship [at the time]. And felt my path straightening..narrowing. I learned more about myself and who I'd like to love and walk with until the End. 

-I feigned my passion for retail marketing and didn't know it until my senior year. I was honest with my managers and talked about pursuing non-profit. 

-I went to Bolivia to do prevention work for anti-sex trafficking, had my world perspective rocked, and answered His call to pursue anti-sex trafficking work long-term.

-Shing married a woman who unknowingly helps heal our family in little and big ways. 

-Mom being healed of breast cancer and successfully finishing radiation. NO CHEMO! Still in awe of how carefully He orchestrated support for her. 

-My best friend said yes to a man whom I trust to take care of her. Hahaha. And her circumstance (health) gives us a reason to kneel constantly in prayer, both in intercession and in praise.

-I took a job without a second thought, thus feeling completely out of my element the past two months. On one extreme I worked in luxury retail, with a population of people who had more money than they knew what to do with.. On the other, I chose to work with the homeless population.

-I went to NYC to see the city I (still) think I love the most.  I had the chance to speak with the executive director of an anti-trafficking org that I hope very much to work for

-I took courage and practiced/am practicing a spiritual discipline that I feel is often brushed over because it is just too hard. CONFESSION. The word makes me cringe a little on the inside as I think about how little I do it, how awkward it is, and how hard it is to get my head out of my ass to say something that will make me look less awesome. By the Lord's provision, I have a fellow struggler with the same issue..whom I love very much. Her honesty and listening skills help me get to a place where I feel free. Two heads are better than one, eh?

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Discoloration

I struggle with consumerism. Everyone does right? But I can name the areas in which I consume the most, to get a higher return. Of what? Recognition. My wretched heart seeks these things to replace the One who seeks me out in selfless love. 

1. Beauty. I spend more time sifting through retail shops, watching beauty guru videos, and dropping dollars online for the most stylish outfit so that I'd be seen as the it girl..than in Scripture. Prayer. Or anything God related. In 2014 I hope to pursue purity of heart instead. I don't know how to elaborate on how "purity of heart" pairs with this bullet.

2. Perfection. Or, my extreme desire for excellence.. which excellence isn't a bad thing in the name of God's glory but I definitely pursue excellence for my glory much of the time. I'm constantly look for more (of not building the kingdom, but accomplishing for the sake of accomplishment) and fail to recognize the good that God is already doing. 2014 -- giving glory to Whom glory is due AND contentment. 

3. Being well-liked. Self-awareness is good, but it often cripples me and dictates my behavior. 

I'm uncomfortable with being the Bible thumper, the religious one. So I shy away from opportunities to share Christ.

I want to be wanted, so I abuse beauty and kindness for the sake of boosting my ego.

I feel intimidated when around people prettier than me, so I try to compensate with humor or loudness. WOW, I am such a child! 2014 -- pray for help to care more deeply about who I am before Christ and what His judgment upon me will be.

For these things, I ask that in 2014 that the Lord would be more of my Lord than these idols and nonsensical pursuits. That by His grace, He would do a new thing in me, and that I would recognize it and let the Holy Spirit form my heart and mind, thus changing my actions...restoring me to the joy of my salvation [that could definitely be another blog post].